For parents and carers
Short lessons
Each takes a few minutes. Read them when you need them.
Telling your child
Tell them yourself, as soon as you can, somewhere quiet. If you can't, choose someone they trust. It's much harder for a child to hear from a classmate or a phone.
The three questions every child asks
Grief researchers describe three silent worries most children have after a death: Did I cause it? Can I catch it? Who will look after me?
Should my child go to the funeral?
Children who are prepared and given a choice generally do better than those who are kept away. In one set of families, children kept from their baby brother's memorial said years later that they wished they had gone.
Quiet doesn't mean coping
Many children, and especially teenagers, hide their grief: to fit in with friends, to protect a grieving parent, or because the feelings are too big.
Why they're laughing one minute and crying the next
Children grieve in short bursts. They can only bear sadness for a little while, then they go back to playing. This isn't a lack of feeling. It's how children protect themselves.
Staying connected to the person who died
The old idea was that children need to 'let go' and 'move on'. The research now shows that keeping a connection with the person who died is healthy.
When grief comes back
Children understand death more fully as they grow, so they often grieve again at each new stage: starting school, becoming a teenager, a first relationship, leaving home.
When grief gets stuck
Most children, even after very hard deaths, find their way through grief with the support of caring adults.
Asking about suicidal thoughts
Studies show that asking a young person directly about suicide does not plant the idea. Not asking is the bigger risk.
Grief, phones and social media
In one survey after a teen car crash, most young people had heard within an hour, mostly through social media and texts.
Working with school
Tell the school soon, and agree what will be said to the class. Ask for one named adult your child can go to.
Looking after yourself
Children take their cue from the adults around them. They borrow your calm. You can't give that if you're running on empty.