Ages 9 to 12
How 9 to 12 year olds grieve
What they understand, how grief shows, what helps, and the questions they ask.
What they understand
- They understand death is permanent, though many still think it mostly happens to old or ill people.
- From about 10, most can think about an ongoing connection with the person who died, and from about 11 they can think more abstractly about meaning and the afterlife.
- They are very aware of being different from their friends and may hide grief to fit in.
How grief can show
- Withdrawing, or putting on a 'happy mask' at school
- Worry that something will happen to you, and checking on you
- Slipping grades, irritability and talking back
- Headaches, stomach aches and poor sleep
What helps
- Room to talk, and honest answers to hard questions, including 'we don't know'
- A teacher who knows and checks in quietly
- Creative outlets: drawing, writing, music, making things
- Being asked about their relationship with the person and their favourite memories
Questions they ask
“Was it my fault?”
No. It can feel like there's something you should have done or noticed, but you didn't cause this. Lots of grieving people feel guilty even when it isn't their fault. Talk to a grown-up about it.
“Will they come back?”
No. Death is permanent. Some people believe there's something after, and you can ask your family what they believe.
“Will you die too?”
It's normal to worry about people you love after someone dies. Most people live a long time. It can help to ask your grown-up what the plan is if they were ever ill.
“Where are they now?”
People have lots of different beliefs about what happens after death. What do you think? You can ask the grown-ups in your family what they believe.
“Is it OK to have fun?”
Yes. Feeling happy sometimes can feel strange or wrong, but it's healthy. Most grieving people go back and forth between sad and OK.
“Will I forget them?”
Some details might fade, but the important things stay. Writing memories down and asking family for stories helps keep them.
“Why do I feel nothing?”
Feeling numb is really common, especially at first. It's your mind protecting you. It doesn't mean you don't care.
“Why do I feel so angry?”
Anger is part of grief. It can be about unfairness, or what happened, or people saying the wrong thing. Finding a safe way to let it out helps.
Activities for this age
Feelings weather
What's the weather like inside you today?
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Name my feelings
Pick every feeling you have. All of them are allowed.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Where do I feel it?
Feelings live in our bodies too. Tap where you feel yours.
6–8 · 9–12
Feelings thermometer
How big is the feeling, from 1 to 10?
9–12 · 13–17
How heavy is it today?
Is your sadness a tiny pebble or a giant boulder today?
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12
Fizzy feelings
What happens when feelings get shaken up and bottled in?
6–8 · 9–12
Outside face, inside face
The face you show, and what's really underneath.
9–12 · 13–17
My week of ups and downs
Draw the ups and downs of your week, like a rollercoaster.
6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Balloon breathing
Breathe in calm, like filling a big balloon.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Plus 5 short workshops in their own space, like What happened, All my feelings, Remembering someone special. Set up for your child