Ages 3 to 5
How 3 to 5 year olds understand death
What they understand, how grief shows, what helps, and the questions they ask.
What they understand
- Children this age usually think death is temporary and can be undone. They may ask when the person is coming back, or wait by the door, even after you have explained.
- They think magically and see themselves at the centre of things, so they may believe something they did, thought or said caused the death, or could reverse it.
- They don't yet understand that a dead body can't eat, sleep, feel cold or breathe. Questions about this are normal, not morbid.
How grief can show
- Clinginess, separation worries and trouble settling at bedtime
- Going backwards for a while: toileting accidents, baby talk, tantrums
- The same question again and again, such as 'Where did she go?'
- Playing happily one minute and upset the next. Short bursts of grief are normal at this age
What helps
- Short, true sentences, repeated as often as they ask
- Keeping daily routines as steady as you can: meals, nursery, bedtime
- Saying clearly and more than once that nothing they did or thought made it happen
- Play, drawing and storybooks, which are how small children work things through
Questions they ask
“Was it my fault?”
No. Nothing you did made them die. Not being naughty, not being cross. Feelings can't make someone die.
“Will they come back?”
No. When someone dies, their body stops working and it can't start again. They can't come back, even though we wish they could.
“Will you die too?”
Everyone dies one day, but most people live until they are very, very old. Your grown-ups plan to be here for a long time.
“Where are they now?”
Their body is in a special place, like a grave or as ashes. Ask your grown-up what your family believes.
“Is it OK to have fun?”
Yes! Playing and laughing is good for you. You can miss them and have fun too.
“Will I forget them?”
We can keep remembering them together. We can look at pictures and tell stories.
“Why do I feel so angry?”
Being cross is a feeling lots of people have when someone dies. It's OK to feel cross. It's not OK to hurt people. Try stamping, squeezing a pillow or the breathing balloon.
Activities for this age
Feelings weather
What's the weather like inside you today?
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Name my feelings
Pick every feeling you have. All of them are allowed.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
How heavy is it today?
Is your sadness a tiny pebble or a giant boulder today?
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12
Balloon breathing
Breathe in calm, like filling a big balloon.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Calm colouring
Fill a peaceful picture with colour, one shape at a time.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Memory box
Keep your favourite memories of them safe.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Paint a memory stone
Decorate a stone with a word or pattern that reminds you of them.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12
Thankful tree
Grow a tree of the things that still bring you good feelings.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12
A goodbye plan
Plan a small way to say goodbye to them.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12
Plus 4 short workshops in their own space, like What happened, All my feelings, Remembering someone special. Set up for your child