A brother or sister
Helping a child grieve the death of a brother or sister
What children understand at each age, what to say, what helps, and when to get more support.
Get a guide for your childWhat's different about this loss
- Losing a brother or sister is often a double loss: the sibling dies, and the parents are, for a while, less available because of their own grief.
- Support tends to flow to the parents, so surviving siblings are easily overlooked.
- Children may feel they no longer know who they are: no longer a big sister, a twin, a protector. Some try to be perfect to make up for the loss, or feel second to the child who died.
- Guilt and jealousy are common, especially if the sibling was ill for a long time and got a lot of attention.
Is it my fault? Will I die too? Am I still a big brother? Children need to hear that they are still a sibling, and still just as loved.
By age
Ages 3 to 5
Children this age usually think death is temporary and can be undone. They may ask when the person is coming back, or wait by the door, even after you have explained.
Helps: Short, true sentences, repeated as often as they ask
Ages 6 to 8
Around age 7, most children come to understand four things: everyone dies eventually, death can't be undone, the body stops working completely, and there is a real cause.
Helps: Honest answers about the cause, in simple words
Ages 9 to 12
They understand death is permanent, though many still think it mostly happens to old or ill people.
Helps: Room to talk, and honest answers to hard questions, including 'we don't know'
Ages 13 to 17
Teenagers understand death as adults do, and often ask big questions like 'what's the point?' or 'what if I died?'. These need gentle follow-up, because they can sometimes signal suicidal thinking.
Helps: Adults who stay reliably available, even when the teen pushes away
What to say
Telling them
'I have some very sad news. They died today. Their body stopped working and they can't come back.'
If they ask whether it was their fault
'No. Nothing you did, said or thought made this happen. Not even being cross with them. Feelings can't make someone die.'
If they ask who will look after them
'I will. And if I couldn't, there are lots of people who love you who would: Auntie Sam, Grandpa…' Name real people.
If they ask if you will die too
'Everyone dies one day, but most people live until they're very old. I'm healthy, I look after myself, and I plan to be here for a very long time.'
Activities that help
Feelings weather
What's the weather like inside you today?
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Memory box
Keep your favourite memories of them safe.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
A letter to someone who died
Write to them, then fold it into a paper boat.
6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
Carry it on
Things they loved that you can keep doing.
6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
A goodbye plan
Plan a small way to say goodbye to them.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12
Questions kids ask
Honest answers to the big questions.
3–5 · 6–8 · 9–12 · 13–17
When to get more help
- Talking about wanting to die, or to be with the person who died
- Self-harm of any kind
- Intense yearning or distress that hasn't eased at all after 6 months
- Unable to remember any good memories, or to bear any reminder
- Nightmares, flashbacks or avoiding all reminders after a sudden or violent death
- Low or irritable mood most of the day, nearly every day, for 2 weeks or more
Do it together
Our together workshops give you and your child something to do side by side to remember the person who died.
See together workshops